Return of the Cell Phone Salesman!
by Hardra61
Summary: Let's see...I've got a parody with Mulder and Scully, The Twilight Zone Guy, an equine with a metal plate in its head, Frau Bleucher's (nee-hee-hee) name, the almighty surfer dude, and, of course, the Sprint Guy. No fries? that'll be $11.95.


Return of the Cell Phone Salesman!  
  
  
By hardra6 -- hardra6@yahoo.com  
  
Note: Death of the Cell Phone Salesman came before this; you don't   
have to read it but it's tons funnier. (Who's read that play, anyway? I   
HATED it!!)  
  
Rating: G, PG just to be sure  
  
Category: Parody, Humor, WEIRDNESS, (weirdness, like, I could   
have been on something when I wrote this?)  
  
Disclaimer: Chris Carter, (and his characters, and his swim trunks, and   
his bath tub, and his surf board,) Doesn't belong to me, and I'm not   
making any money off of him.  
  
Summary: Let's see...a parody containing Mulder and Scully, The guy   
from the Twilight Zone, An equine with a metal plate in its head, Frau   
Bleucher--or at least her name (nee-hee-hee,) and, of course, the Sprint   
guy. No fries? That'll be $11.95.  
  
p.s., Don't worry, I don't do drugs. Just in case you were wondering. \/   
\/  
  
  
=========================  
  
A man in a suit is standing in the middle of a beautiful galactic   
background image, right next to a blue lookin' sun and some crazy   
bright stars.  
  
Twilight Zone Guy: Hello. I am going to tell you a story. This story is   
one of terror, and complete abstractedness. In this story, you will   
encounter the depths of the paranormal, the heights of danger, and   
some of the most handsome faces, and voices, in the universe. So,   
travel with me now, as we explore the reaches of....THE TWILIGHT   
ZONE.  
  
Chris Carter pops into space next to him, reading glasses on and a   
script in hand.  
  
CC: No, no, no. This is not right. This is the X-files. You're FIRED!  
  
Twilight Zone Guy: poo.  
  
Twilight Zone Guy is whisked away by a tidal wave. Chris Carter   
twirls around and appears in swim trunks and hops on his surf board   
and surfs the tidal wave back to his mansion in the Bahamas on Earth.   
Fade out.  
  
Twilight Zone Guy: I still get to do the voice over, though, right??  
  
Chris Carter: eehhhhh.....okay.  
  
=========================  
  
Special Agent Mulder is sitting at his desk writing some report.   
  
Twilight Zone Guy: We begin our story with a man. Not just any man.   
No, this man is different.  
  
Mulder looks down the hallway to make sure he's alone, then picks his   
nose. He resumes writing the report. Scully enters and Mulder stealthily   
wipes his boogers under his desk.   
  
Mulder: Hey, Scully, I thought you were taking this week off.  
  
Scully: I was, but something drew me to the office for some reason. I   
have no clue. What have you been doing?  
  
Mulder: Picking....apart this case file. Nothing special.  
  
TZG: Indeed, nothing special was happening. But both the FBI agent   
and his partner knew that there was something in the air.   
Something....that they would eventually have to notice....  
  
Scully: What's that smell?   
  
Mulder: Sorry.  
  
Suddenly a portal appears in the wall and a troop of police on   
horseback gallop into the office.  
  
Flatulence Patrolman #1: Sir, you're under arrest for breaking   
Flatulence Code 1771, the display of flatulence in public. I'm afraid   
you'll have to come with us.  
  
Mulder: Bite me!  
  
Flatulence Patrolman #2 bites Mulder.   
  
Mulder: OWWW!  
  
Scully goes to knock one of the Flatulence patrolmen off of his horse,   
and he falls off with a cry. The horse he was riding transforms into a   
handsome prince.  
  
Prince: Thank you, fair maiden, for freeing me from my entrapment-  
eth.  
  
Scully: Oh, it's nothing.  
  
Scully knocks away all the other patrolmen and all of their horses turn   
into Princes, too.   
  
Prince #1: Hey, 'turn into a prince' was MY ideaeth!!  
  
Prince #2: Then why don't you marrrrrrry it? eth?  
  
Prince #3: yeah, Go marry your lovely Prince Idea-eth!!!  
  
Mulder is punching patrolman #1, who eventually turns into a pig and   
hides under Mulder's desk. His horse does not become a prince, so   
Mulder and Scully hop onto it and ride down the hall, up the elevator,   
and through the front lobby of the Hoover Building.  
  
TZG: But things were only beginning for the adventuresome duo.   
Because, although they didn't know it, they were trapped inside   
the...TWILIGHT ZONE!!!!!!!! I mean, the X-FILES!!!!!!! (creepy   
orchestral music plays.)  
  
Mulder and Scully are standing in the street on their horse. Suddenly,   
the world freezes and nobody in all of DC moves, (except for President   
Bush, who's innocently rocking in a rocking chair on the front porch of   
the White House, knitting.)  
  
Mulder: Scully, it appears that time has stopped for everyone except   
George W Bush!   
  
Scully: Actually, I think the viewer put us on pause.  
  
Mulder turns to Scully, amazed.  
  
Mulder: Pause live TV?  
  
Scully: Yep! Do it now, with TiVo! Only 99,999 dollars a month!   
Never miss a day of work and your Soap Operas at the same time!  
  
Mulder: Oh My God!!!!! You mean I don't have to miss Passions OR   
Sailor Moon???  
  
Scully: Sailor Moon ISN'T a soap opera!!!  
  
Mulder: IS TOO! You miss one day and you're lost.  
  
Scully: Well, anyway--no! never miss Sailor Moon or Passions! Get   
TiVo today!  
  
Mulder: This whole pause live tv is getting annoying. I'm gonna move.  
  
Scully looks shocked.  
  
Scully: Mulder! You can't move! It's against the TV law code to move   
when the viewer has paused live TV!!  
  
Mulder: well maybe some OTHER viewer DOESN'T want his live tv   
paused!  
  
Mulder proceeds to rip his head + neck out of their fixed place. Then he   
rips his arms and legs out of it, then helps Scully move, too. Together   
they pull and tug the horse until it can move as well.   
  
Mulder: We're free.  
  
Scully: (crying) but when the viewer comes back from the bathroom,   
he won't know where we are!!  
  
Mulder: Poo on the viewers!! (sticks tongue out at camera.)  
  
Mulder, Scully, and Horse walk down E street until they get to a scary   
old mansion on top of the hill. Lightning strikes and dead trees sway all   
around. It's suddenly midnight.  
  
Scully: Geez. This looks like it's straight out of Young Frankenstein.  
  
Mulder: Well, it *is* one of the author's favorite movies.....  
  
Scully: Really?  
  
Mulder and Scully start up the path towards the creepy mansion.   
  
Mulder: Really. I like it too. With that creepy little I-gore dude, and,   
ooh, and Frau Bleucher.  
  
Horse: Nee-hee-hee.  
  
Mulder: (rolling his eyes) oh, yeah, didn't see THAT one coming.  
  
They reach the front gates and they pull them open. Looks of terror   
register on their faces.  
  
TZG: Yes! The Agents had found the terrifying middle section to this   
odd story! It horrified them!  
  
Mulder and Scully, sick of the TZG, shoot each other defying glances   
and start to jump for joy, laughing and hugging each other.  
  
TZG: apparently, we've had a change in attitude. Fine then. Yes! The   
agents had found the lovely, heart-warming middle section of this odd   
story! It elated them!  
  
Mulder and Scully face a parade of toy soldiers and gleeful civilians.   
They hop on the horse and become the main attraction of the parade;   
people cheer loudly on all sides of them.  
  
Mulder: this is so FUN!!  
  
Scully: WHAT????  
  
Mulder: THIS IS SO FUN!!!!!!!!  
  
Scully: WHAT!!!!????  
  
Mulder: THIS--  
  
The Sprint Guy walks up to their horse and presses "PAUSE" on his   
remote. Everyone pauses but the three of them.  
  
Sprint Guy: Sir, Ma'am? I think I know what your problem is. Your   
problem is static.  
  
Mulder: YOU again.  
  
Scully: (pointing at his remote control) YOU'RE the one behind the   
'pause live tv' thing!  
  
Mulder: Do YOU Watch Sailor Moon???  
  
Sprint Guy: Sometimes. But my plan is simple. The Sprint Plan. We   
give you Static-Free Long Distance for Free, Free Digital Web Access   
from your phone, A guaranteed lifetime minutes supply--or your   
money back--a Brand New Free Jeep 45,000 Super Cherokee, and a   
free bag of Twizzlers, all for the simple, one-time payment of your   
Soul.   
  
Scully: Twizzlers? Black or Red?  
  
Sprint guy isn't sure.  
  
Sprint Guy: I'm....not quite sure.   
  
Mulder and Scully pretend to think it over carefully, while actually   
exchanging secret codes with their eyebrows.   
  
Mulder: ATTACK!  
  
Scully punches the Sprint Guy, Mulder snatches the remote control,   
and the Horse tiptoes away without being seen.  
  
Sprint Guy: OOWWW!!  
  
Mulder and Scully frisk him quickly, removing two bags of red   
Twizzlers, a condensed Jeep 45,000 Super Cherokee, some Sprint   
Minutes, 128,000 cellular phones and several bottles with souls in   
them.  
  
Mulder handcuffs the Sprint Guy to a lamppost and laughs at him, then   
un-condenses the Jeep. Scully snatches the Twizzlers and, making sure   
nobody could see her, a handful of Sprint Minutes.  
  
Mulder and Scully jump into the Jeep and drive away from the Young   
Frankenstein castle, going back down E street. Mulder, who drives,   
hands Scully the remote control.  
  
Scully: ooh, check it out.   
  
Scully hits rewind. They watch all the cars go backward and laugh. She   
then hits fast forward. All the cars go forward and they laugh. Then a   
fast-forwarded car hits their Jeep from behind and Scully gets severe   
whiplash. Mulder presses pause and gets Scully flat on her back on the   
sidewalk.  
  
Mulder: (crying) TALK TO ME SCULLY! DON'T YOU DIE ON   
ME!!  
  
Scully: (weakly)   
Mulder...there's....a....hospital.....right....across....the....street.....If   
only.....  
  
Mulder: DON'T DIE ON ME, SCULLY!  
  
Several movie critics, apparently tourists in TV land, walk by.   
  
Critic #1: *cough*Cliché*cough*  
  
Critic #2: Ooooh, noooo, poor widdle Scully-wully!!  
  
The critics laugh and walk off, throwing popcorn at Mulder as they   
leave.   
  
Mulder: Sheesh. SCULLY! SCULLY! I love you!!  
  
Scully opens one eye.  
  
Scully: Really?  
  
Mulder: eeehhhh....Maybe......No.  
  
Scully frowns and closes her eye.  
  
Mulder, unable to carry Scully across the street, gets an idea and uses   
one of the 120,000 cell phones to dial 911, then presses fast forward on   
the remote. The Ambulance arrives 27 minutes later, and the   
paramedics rush out at a dizzying speed to pack Scully in the   
ambulance, and a mere half-hour later Scully is safely at the hospital.  
  
TZG: But the story is not over, for Mulder does not know that--  
  
Mulder: You. Are you still here?  
  
TZG: I'm the narrator  
  
Mulder: No, I am.  
  
TZG: Really? Oh, heh heh....You don't look like the n--I mean, No! I'm   
the narrator....of course.....  
  
Mulder: You're wrong.  
  
TZG: No, YOU Are!  
  
Mulder: Bite me!  
  
The Twilight Zone Guy comes down on a tidal wave and nearly bites   
Mulder. Mulder, however, is prepared and dodges just in time.  
  
Mulder: (singing) Blue skidoo, we can tooooo!   
  
Mulder twirls up into the Narrator's lounge, where Chris Carter is   
surfing in a filled bathtub with a high-power fan blowing. Mulder   
ignores him, straightening his tie, and picks up TZG's abandoned   
Microphone.   
  
TZG looks up, annoyed.   
  
TZG: oh, well.  
  
Mulder: So, Mulder, who was concerned with Scully, decided to go   
find out who had rear-ended them.   
  
TZG: Wait, so, am I Mulder now?  
  
Mulder: I'm the narrator, so that makes you Mulder.  
  
TZG: All right.   
  
TZG Straightens his tie and picks up Mulder's remote. He walks to the   
Jeep and notices the Black limousine smashed into the rear end of it.   
He takes out his gun cautiously.  
  
TZG: (looking at his gun) A water pistol??  
  
Mulder: Hey, buddy, Trust No One. I'm keeping my piece. So,   
ANYWAY....  
  
TZG rolls his eyes and swings around to the driver's side, and pulls   
open the door, his gun aimed straight at the driver.   
  
TZG: Mr. President!!??  
  
George W.: Don't shoot! I said, don't shoot! I was only, um, You   
see....well......I'm, uh....I'm not drunk! No sir-ee. Not drunk. No way.   
*hic*  
  
TZG: Why are you driving? Where's your armed guard? Your   
*chauffer*??!!?  
  
George W.: They're such an annoying bunch...I ditched 'em!! Hey, you   
wanna go tip some cows???  
  
TZG groans, slams the door in George W.'s face and walks back to the   
Jeep. He pulls out a silent horse whistle and blows it; his horse comes   
running up to him.   
  
TZG: Good Horse. Now, we've got to go back to the Twilight Zone and   
see what this is all about.  
  
Mulder: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, our Handsome Hero and his Stately   
Steed decide to return to his calling, which he apparently has forgotten   
the title of amidst all this confusion.  
  
TZG: (grumbling skyward) I get it, I *get* it......*ahem*..... let's go   
back to the **X-FILES** and see what this is all ABOUT.  
  
The Twilight Zone Guy and the Horse gallop back to the Hoover   
building, and down into the basement.  
  
Mulder: But a dreary sight awaited them....  
  
Seven "princes" are arguing over the small space of Mulder's office;   
white lines of paint are all over everything.  
  
Prince 1: you're on my side, number five!!  
  
Prince 5: Go eat a thimble.  
  
Prince 3: Your quadrant is bigger than mine!!  
  
TZG and Horse are staring, dumbfounded. A pig runs by below them.  
  
Mulder: MY OFFICE! OH MY GOD!!  
  
TZG gulps and snatches a Star Trek magazine from Mulder's desk.   
  
TZG: HARK! A map to the unknown universe! Full   
of...er....DRAGONS and MONSTERS and Dangerous missions   
that...that...only PRINCES can brave!!  
  
Princes: (halting their banter) Eh?  
  
TZG: you must unite to go where no man has gone before!  
  
Princes: Where's that??  
  
TZG: The Twilig.......er........the, er...SPACE! Outer Space!  
  
Prince #1: (thoughtfully) Hmm....Space is big....ME FIRST ME   
FIRST!  
  
Prince #1 grabs the Star Trek book and runs into the distance. The   
others follow. TZG gives the horse a mop and the horse begins to clean   
up all the paint all over the office. TZG sighs and sits down behind   
Mulder's desk.   
  
TZG: (looking up) so, now what do I do, "narrator"?  
  
Mulder: (to the horse) Don't miss that filing cabinet over there! Ooh,   
and pick up those papers while you're at it. Oh, hey, is that a picture of   
me? Jeez....hey! watch the hoof prints!  
  
TZG groans and puts his head down on the table. Suddenly a file   
appears on the desk in front of him. He raises an eyebrow and opens it,   
then gasps melodramatically.  
  
Mulder: What? WHAT??  
  
TZG: Gotcha.  
  
Mulder fumes. TZG gets up and goes down the hall toward the   
bathroom, and when he comes back he is suddenly is zapped into a   
different dimension. The horse lands on top of him and he shoves it off.   
  
Mulder: Our Swarthy Savior was suddenly unaware of his   
surroundings; one thing was for sure, though....he wasn't home....and   
his *ahem* FLY was undone....  
  
TZG: oh. Thanks. (zips fly.)  
  
The surroundings are barren. TZG looks around and hold his hands up   
in the air, as if to say, "what the heck??"  
  
TZG: What the heck??   
  
Wind blows.  
  
TZG: This is like the Twiligh.....the twi....er.....um.....  
  
Mulder: (hinting) do, Do, do, do, DO, do.....  
  
TZG: THE X-FILES! The X-files. Yeah!  
  
The horse's implanted metal plate picks up Spanish music and so it   
starts to get jiggy with it. TZG begins to dance, too.   
  
TZG: I wish there was something here.  
  
Suddenly the barren place is a tropical jungle dotted with shopping   
malls, women, and a big Monster.  
  
TZG: Hey, whaddaya know?  
  
TZG heads toward a group of leggy blondes; the horse dances while   
chewing on some green things.  
  
Mulder: Magnificent Mulder, UNINTERESTED in the gorgeous   
looking blondes at twelve o'clock, suddenly notices a giant alien   
MONSTER that seems to be terrorizing the INNOCENT CITIZENS.....  
  
TZG: (to blonde) Hey, baby, how are *you* doing tonight?  
  
Mulder: AHEM!  
  
TZG: So, I mean, you got anything on Friday, because, you know, I can   
always take the day off for a beautiful thing like you....  
  
Mulder: Without warning....the horse walks over and kicks Mulder in   
the butt and a bolt of lighting zaps him from existence!!  
  
The horse chews green things. The sky is cloudless.   
  
TZG: So....Friday's bad, baby?  
  
Mulder taps his microphone.  
  
Mulder: this thing on?  
  
Chris Carter jumps off his fake wave and takes the microphone from   
Mulder, glaring. Mulder grins innocently and backs into Kim Manners,   
and that Spotnitz Dude.   
  
Mulder: ah, heh heh.....Guys......Respectable....Writer....Guys......  
  
Chris Carter points down toward the X-Files (Twilight Zone?) set and   
Mulder grins painfully.   
  
Mulder: (singing) Blue skidoo, we can TOOOO!  
  
Mulder twirls and lands in the women/jungle/mall/Monster place. He   
grabs the Twilight Zone Guy and throws him out of the scene, pushing   
past the ladies and straightening his tie.  
  
Chris Carter: Fox Mulder, Special Agent, knew that he had to defend   
the innocent citizens at any cost.....(accidentally on air) Hey, Kim, toss   
in some screaming innocent citizens for effect....  
  
Innocent Citizen: AAHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Mulder rolls his eyes and takes out his gun. The Monster advances   
towards him and he fires. The bullets do nothing!  
  
Mulder: (pauses)   
....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Mulder turns around and runs, and keeps running until he reaches the   
hospital where Scully is staying. Scully is signing out.   
  
Mulder: Scully! You're ok!   
  
Scully: (beaming) yes, Mulder, I'm fine!  
  
Mulder: you sure...um....got out of the hospital quickly.  
  
Scully: You left the remote on fast forward when you sent me to the   
hospital.   
  
Mulder: Oh, yeah.   
  
Chris Carter: (accidentally on air) Where's the legend? Dangitt give me   
that--No--OW! *KKKKKSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*  
  
Legend: Hospital across the street from the Hoover Building; two   
weeks later  
  
Mulder and Scully laugh at the legend and leave the hospital. Mulder   
remembers the remote and takes it out. He presses SLOW MO. The   
cars go by very slowly.   
  
Mulder: Scully! Check this out!  
  
Mulder runs slowly in front of a slowly-moving car.   
  
Mulder: (slow mo voice) Nnnnnnoooooooooooo.......  
  
Scully laughs. Mulder's remote control runs out of batteries and the cars   
return to normal speed. Mulder is inches from being hit when time   
freezes. The Sprint Guy appears hovering in the air over them.  
  
Sprint Guy: Sir, you have a problem. Your problem is Static.  
  
Mulder: (teeth clenched) No......It......Isn't.  
  
Sprint Guy squints, gets out his reading glasses, looks, and puts them   
away again.  
  
Sprint Guy: Oh. Sorry. My bad.  
  
Sprint Guy disappears and the world returns to normal speed. Mulder   
rolls over the hood of the car like he did in that one episode where   
Scully got the green gunk on her shoe and all those cloned dudes were   
being killed.   
  
Slo Mo happens all by itself.  
  
Scully: (running towards Mulder) NOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Mulder: (flying through the air) OOOOOOWWWWWWWW!  
  
Critic #1: (walking by with popcorn) Cleeeeeeecheeeeeeeeee!  
  
Critic #2: (also walking by with popcorn) HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!  
  
Scully: Muuuuullllllldeeeeerrrrrrr!  
  
Chris Carter: This is way better than surfing. Oh, yeah: Will Mulder be   
okay? Will David Duchovny return for season Nine? Will Scully ever   
forgive herself for not traveling the world with Pierre after high school?   
Find out next season on....  
  
Twilight Zone Guy: (grabbing the microphone) THE TWILIGHT   
ZONE!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Chris Carter: (accidentally on air) somebody get him out of here....you   
there, grab his coat....ow! Watch the nails!  
  
Mulder hangs in the air, falls asleep eventually. Scully stands there with   
arms outstretched toward him for several hours. Chris and his writer   
dudes tell jokes and talk man talk and smoke cigars and eventually   
leave to hang out on the beach all summer. The lights finally turn off,   
leaving Mulder and Scully frozen.   
  
Scully: Oh, great.  
  
Scully rips herself out of place and shakes her arms and legs out.   
Mulder snores.  
  
Scully: I'm going out for a while, Mulder, you stay there.  
  
Mulder: zzzzzz  
  
Scully walks around from set to set, whistling nervously because it's all   
dark. She hears something not far away from her as she approaches the   
Jungle/mall/women/Monster area and she pulls out her gun.  
  
Scully: Who's there? Federal Agent!  
  
Horse: nee!  
  
Scully: Oh, it's only you, horse.  
  
Scully crosses over into the Young Frankenstein/ Parade set, where the   
horse is nibbling on green St. Patrick's day napkins. Scully looks   
around at the empty street, then at her watch.  
  
Scully: Well, I guess this parody's over. Nobody else is left here but   
you and me, Horse.  
  
Horse: nee!  
  
Scully walks towards the entrance of Young Frankenstein's palace and   
goes through the doors. On afterthought, she opens them and sticks her   
head out.   
  
Scully: BLEUCHER!  
  
Horse: Nee-hee-hee!!  
  
Scully laughs and closes the door.  
  
  
THE END!  
  
The first part was funnier than the second part, I know, I just read over   
it. Oh well!   
  
Oh, yeah; fanfiction.netsters? See that box down there? Ignore the   
stupid parts and tell me what you liked, didn't like, got, and didn't   
get......Personally, the whole Frau Bleucher* (nee-hee-hee!) thing and   
Mulder's narrating. ("Mangficent Mulder" and "Handsome Hero" lol)   
So, whatever.   
  
* Am I the only teenager who watches old movies? Yeah? Poo. Oh   
well. Love you all!  
  
....um...love feedback too. Hardra6@yahoo.com -- and I check my e-  
mail every day!   
  
  



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